Over the weekend, I finally had some time to listen to an unusual tape cassette. Actually, I should rewind here because I needed to buy a tape cassette player in order to listen to it. Luckily, given my advanced age, I was familiar with cassette tapes and recorders and their various functions. I was an aficionado back in the day for recording popular songs off the radio.

Anyway, the tape was recorded on July 11^th, 2000. It was a professional astrology reading. My husband, Dennis, was active in Rotary International at that time and they had just held a fund-raiser, which included a silent auction. The piece of paper stated “An Hour-Long Astrological Consultation with Carol Banner”. As I walked around the tables and looked at fabulous opportunities and gift ideas, I kept returning to Ms. Banner. Finally, I raised the bid to $75.00 and walked into the dining room for dinner.

Yes, I was the winner. I was excited. I’ve always had an interest in astrology and faithfully followed my daily “Cancer” sign horoscope in the newspaper’s entertainment section. The only aspect I knew back then was that as a Cancer crab, I literally carried my home on my back, and that home and the people in it were everything to me. I also knew that Cancer was a water sign; and water always draws me towards it.

It took about three months to schedule the consultation. Ms. Banner had an office right in her home. She had asked for my information in advance (birth date, time of birth, place of birth etc.) but when I arrived, she asked for this information for most of my family members too; including my mother. Hmm.

What I didn’t realize was that she was going to record the session. I loved that idea, so I could replay it at any time to refresh my memory. That I have held onto it for 24 years speaks of its importance to me. And this is quite ironic, as one thing I learned that day about Cancerians is that we love to hold on to things and we love keeping records about the past!

The twist, however, is that I may have kept it, but never meaningfully referred to it again.

Until now. Honestly, I thought I had lost it when we moved nine years ago, but I just found it in a large plastic storage box. And some of its insights are revealing.

Here’s how she started:

“You’re more than just a Cancer, you are water-personified.”

Apparently, I have the sun in the Cancer water sign; the moon is in a water sign (Pisces), and Scorpio is the only other water sign, and it holds Neptune. No wonder I have dreams with large waves in them.

“In astrology,” she continued, “there are four elements: air, water, fire, earth. They are really just psychological functions. The water function is a feeling function. Earth is practical. Fire is intuition and enthusiasm. Air is a rational, thinking, objective type. Notice here in your chart, we have zero air.”

She was right. All three spaces on the chart dedicated to air signs (Gemini, Aquarius and Libra) were blank; no planets in them.

“It doesn’t mean you don’t have a brain,” she explained. “It just means that your thinking is done emotionally.”

I was comfortable with that assessment and can easily apply it to my life. I realize, for example, that when I look at a painting, I’m not concentrating on its structure or analyzing its intent, I’m interested in how it makes me feel. Does it bring me joy or a sense of foreboding? I’ll be honest. Sometimes, it brings plain boredom. I feel nothing. The same applies to music. I’ve always enjoyed rock and popular music over, say, classical music. Those music genres just reach me. In fact, songwriters write Top 40 hits specifically with hooks in them to make you feel something, to react to it. I am very susceptible to that.

But the next comment she said irritated me.

“Your moon is in Pisces. This gives you an addictive trait, but it doesn’t have to be alcohol.”

“You can be just as addicted to chocolate bars or buying books, for example, which I don’t think is going to happen with no air signs,” she added, while laughing.

I didn’t pick up on that then, but I certainly took offense when I heard it a few days ago.  

I thought it was rude as it was utterly incorrect as well. Shortly after, she revised her thinking.

“With no air, they (Cancers) either avoid intellectualism or are trying to improve, learn. They are trying to add to their knowledge to compensate.”

Bingo. Learning is a driving force within me. I took a part-time job as a reporter years ago, to place myself in situations where I would learn and use my passion for writing at the same time. There is a need for me to know what is happening in the world and I watch a healthy amount of news and feature stories to fill that need. And I’ve been a voracious reader since I was a child. I’m glad she chose to frame the chart differently.

And then we moved onto my mother. I referenced struggling with my mom, but that it was nothing new.

“Well, number one,” Carol replied, “she wants to be the center of attention. What she needs more than anything and the worst thing you could do to her is ignore her. And she’s got a lot of criticisms that she doesn’t keep to herself.”

“Your mother has an Aquarian Moon. Aquarian moons will never understand a Pisces moon (me). She will say something she thinks is instructional, and you’ll be weeping in the corner.” (Carol wasn’t wrong, but I laughed in that moment.)

“She’s a fire sign.” Carol said. “She truly cannot help herself. It’s like going to the zoo and telling the elephant to be a flamingo. It’s not happening. So, trying to get mom to be sensitive…” she trails off and doesn’t finish.

“Where you have all this water and lack of air, she’s got a lot of air and lack of water. She really doesn’t understand all the emotionality. She just DOESN’T,” she emphasized.

A memory flashed for me. My son Will had just graduated from college and we were out to dinner. Each person at the table had something to say in his honor. When I spoke, I choked up and cried. I couldn’t help it. And mom looked at me with such an expression of disdain; she was just shy of smirking.

“Isn’t this a little bit over the top?” she said through her gaze towards me. And once again, I was looking at a strength of being able to feel in the moment and emote public pride in my son and I was suddenly converting it into a weakness. This was the effect she could have on me; even if I fought it.

I’ve looked at our relationship through the lens of her relationship with her own mother; seeing almost DNA patterns of ingrained emotional distance. Walls. I’ve examined it as a single generational story of a woman who lost her husband at age 47 and had two dutiful daughters who helped her and always tried to do right by her, even when she took many liberties with that. She always seemed to want to control us well into our 50s. (Truthfully, it’s not that it worked, but there was some influence there.)

And now I’ve arrived at our astrological signs. In my eyes, the summation is that everything played a role to create a difficult dynamic. There was always love, but there was not enough of a healthy exposure to it.

Carol had mentioned that “you and your mom have been placed together to hang out; to understand the difference in natures.” I argue that if the universe placed us together, it should not have been a mother-daughter relationship. We should have been peers, or maybe sisters. The power was too one-sided.

She has now been gone 20 months; not quite two years. I thought the aftereffects would bring pain as we grieved; but then we would feel freer and move forward eventually. Period. And It’s not like that didn’t happen, but there has been a growing parallel feeling of becoming more myself.

She is not as present in my head anymore. Time has allowed her influence to fade. I don’t have to consider her opinion or receive any disapproving gazes from her anymore. I don’t need to seek approval.

And the result is my thinking, and conclusions on those thoughts and ideas are cleaner; stronger. I’m canceling out old habits I’m tired of and feeling a certain energy I can use as I see fit. It’s available.

I didn’t see this coming. It’s not that I’m a new person, I just have a clearer view of who I am supposed to be. I FEEL it.

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