I have to share upfront that I am unabashedly piggybacking off of Vicki Atkinson’s post about the power of song and its cathartic abilities to bring us to tears in certain moments; particularly while in the car. Click here for her post.

Her post got me thinking about a song that has been on my mind (or in it) ever since I heard it in the car ten days ago. It caught my attention with the first chord. As it played, I kept asking myself, Where do I know this song from? Why do I know every word? I couldn’t remember any life or event association with it, but how else would I know every word? All I knew was that I hadn’t heard it in 20 years? 25?

I came home, still transfixed; still humming. I was holding onto a handful of lyrics I could use in a search. Yes! I found it and listened again. The lyrics were moving. Painful.

And all this from the pop queen Madonna? I know. I understand. Her strengths typically included fun beats and fun vibes; this moody and deeply personal song was markedly different. It ushered in a completely re-invented Madonna; wearing no big crosses or oversized shoulder pads, the music video shows her in a dark, simple floral dress and a soft hairstyle. The Material Girl was no more.

Titled Live to Tell, Madonna used it as part of the soundtrack of a crime drama movie At Close Range, starring her then-husband, Sean Penn. At best, it’s a loose association. The lyrics were not written for the movie’s plot, per se, but they use clips of the movie in her video.

Originally an instrumental, Patrick Leonard wrote it as a soundtrack to another movie, but the producers didn’t select it. He showed it to Madonna, who re-worked the melodies and added the lyrics, which are meant to be open to interpretation. They suggest childhood scars, survival, betrayal, and family secrets. In fact, hiding a secret is a primary theme of the song.

Given my own childhood, it wasn’t a stretch to feel connecting ties; and the haunting music easily taps into my always-on-the-surface emotions.

And I still can’t figure out how I know it. Released in 1986, I was working and dating my future husband. It’s possible I caught it on my Walkman walking to and from the El to work. I didn’t buy her “True Blue” album, where it appears, and I didn’t see the movie At Close Range.

Here are the full lyrics. I’ve highlighted some that really spoke to me.

I have a tale to tell
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well
I was not ready for the fall
Too blind to see the writing on the wall

A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned till then it will burn inside of me

I know where beauty lives
I’ve seen it once
I know the warmth she gives
The light that you could never see
It shines inside you can’t take that from me…

A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned till then it will burn inside of me…

The truth is never far behind
You’ve kept it hidden well
If I live to tell the secret I knew then
Will I ever have the chance again?

If I ran away
I’d never have the strength to go very far
How would they hear the beating of my heart…?
Will it grow cold?

The secret that I hide
Will I grow old?
How will they hear?
When will they learn?
How will they know…?

A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned till then it will burn inside of me…

The truth is never far behind
You’ve kept it hidden well
If I live to tell the secret I knew then
Will I ever have the chance again…?
A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned till then it will burn inside of me…

While she sang the song on her most recent tour, images of Freddie Mercury, Arthur Ashe, and others who have died of AIDS appeared on large screens. Was she finally revealing the secret of the song? Some fans feel that the song is about people who had AIDS; and the paramount necessity to keep it a secret. This was the 80s, where there was fear and panic over contracting HIV and putting oneself in physical danger if the truth leaked. The faces on the screen and some of the lyrics make it one poignant possibility.

For now, the song is still living in my head. I know something else will replace it in time. But when it started playing in the car, and the memory of knowing it from so long ago came rushing through me, it was a little stunning. I remain in awe of how, despite time and distance, combinations of chords and notes and words have the power to get inside so easily; staying there forever. They can still touch us, interact with us; and take us places.