It’s been exactly eight months since my mother, Gretchen, passed away. I haven’t written about her in almost that long. I think there are a couple of reasons for that.
Partly, it is grieving and not wanting to look at her death and those details closely; it was painful. But truthfully, I also felt my stories had ended. I shared her journey through the aging process from driving decisions and checkbook issues through her growing dementia and the fall-out of Covid. I had completed the arc.
But a remarkable thing happened last week prompting my desire to return to themes of family.
My mom always had a good relationship with her only niece. In the 1960’s, she supported her decision to move across the country at age 18 or 19 to live in Berkeley, California. I’m not sure how often they communicated, but mom was a letter-writer, so I’m sure she sent her family news occasionally. I know her niece reached out when her son was born. I’m confident they spoke by phone as well.
But then it stopped. Letters went unanswered. Eventually, they came back as undeliverable.
We googled her name once to search for an obituary, but we couldn’t find one. She was not in contact with other family members either. It remained a mystery for almost 20 years.
Until last week. Late in the day, my phone alerted me; I had a new notification on the blog. And it was a shock; it was from her son. He had read one of my many stories about mom and left a comment saying in part:
I’m wondering if Gretchen ever talked about my grandmother? Since my mom passed, I don’t have anyone to talk to about family or any family connections.
I knew it was him immediately by his name. Forrest. In a single heartbeat, I was thrilled, sad to learn his mom had died, and strangely, I felt parental.
And that is why I’m writing about Gretchen again. If she was still here (and didn’t suffer from dementia) I would have immediately put them in touch with one another. All but one of the remaining members of that generation are gone. My sister, myself and my cousins are the elders of the family now; whether or not we are ready. Life has moved us into this senior role. Supposedly, we are the ones with the answers.
I wrote back, providing the blog’s email address where we could exchange personal information. We spoke within one day of that exchange. He was eager to talk and ask questions.
What did I know about our family tree? Did my mom ever share anything about her half-sister (his grandmother?) Had I had any experiences with his grandmother?
He is 42 with a family. He was friendly and engaging, with a good sense of humor. He shared that his mom had died suddenly a couple of years ago. It was clear how close they were. It was just the two of them growing up.
We talked for almost an hour. Later, through a text, he wanted to know if Type 1 diabetes runs in our family.
Once again, that question brings me back to mom. I do not have a definite answer for him, but she would have had the history of the past generations in her memory banks. She may have been able to help him. It has been difficult realizing I don’t have access to her “expertise” on family history anymore. There will never be answers to new questions.
And this realization leads me to a suggestion. I once wrote about “interviewing” a parent as part of an oral history project. Here is a link:
I did it a few times, and am grateful for the stories I have, but there are only a few; they barely mine the rich history of specific family facts.
For anyone older than 60, I am learning that we should all open a computer file or even just jot down thoughts on a legal pad about anything and everything that comes up. These can include important health issues in older family members (who were diagnosed with heart disease, cancer or diabetes) who married who and the names of their children. Include country origin results from ancestry blood tests (if applicable), career information, school degrees, nicknames, where they are interred.
These do not have to be stories, they can be lists. Over time, the family’s history will accumulate and provide many practical answers for your grown children and grandchildren.
Family can also do this in reverse. Adult children can start a written history of useful facts by adding to a file as they learn them. They can ask questions too to develop the knowledge further. The focus does not have to be the Epic Yellowstone/Dutton Family Saga dating back to the 1800’s, that sounds daunting. I would keep it simple with useful questions and/or categories with accompanying answers dating back a couple of generations.
There is the old axiom that “you don’t know what you don’t know.” And it’s true, but I think time will help with that. New family knowledge will suddenly spring from a random conversation. The trick is to add it quickly to your notes, while it is fresh.
During our conversation, I asked what happened between his mom and mine. He didn’t get into specifics, but referenced the distance of time and a sense of needing to move past old childhood issues with the family. I understood and appreciated his honesty.
It is the spring of 2023 now and we are looking forward (literally and figuratively) to growing new roots within our family tree.
Leavingthedooropen.com 
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